This is not punk
Just because you're an asshole, doesn't mean you're punk. Plus Doomsday Potato Clock and we are so close to Ultimate Brayden, you can taste it.
This is going to get really dumb, really quickly, but bear with me. These are screenshots from the decayed carcass of Twitter. They are from some of the biggest losers you will ever encounter on God’s green earth.
You’ll note that the first post is from way back in 2017, and if it had just stayed in 2017, I wouldn’t be writing this.
But it didn’t. We’re in 2024, the Party of Trump (POT) will be taking office in 2025, and his fanboys are deluding themselves into thinking that they’re punk again.
As a fan of punk rock, I can’t let this slide again.
Just because you are an asshole, does not mean you are punk rock. In fact, if you are an asshole, you’re probably just an asshole.
But this isn’t uncommon. People are laboring under the delusion that 1) punk is a binary, definable thing that you are or are not, when in reality it’s best defined by what it’s not and 2) is something that’s ever been a cool thing to be.
There are gaggles of shitposting edgelords that think by being edgy (decidedly not provocative) means you are being punk, because they see punks as being edgy. If Blink 182 is the only punk band you know of, then it might be understandable, but even that is a miss. Consider the track “Built This Pool,” the lyrics of which I’m posting, in full, below:
Whoo ooh, whoo ooh!
I wanna see some naked dudes, that's why I built this pool
It’s bro humor. I think it’s hilarious, but it’s not edgy in the “new punk rock” way that edgelords like to act.
But also, punks were bullied you idiots. Punks weren’t cool to the cool kids. Punks were outcasts. Here, check out some quotes from American Hardcore: A Tribal History, by Steven Blush.1
The cops were bad. I don’t know if they hated us or it was just their free ticket to practice riot control. They would come fuck with us because nobody cared.
-Al Flipside
Conservatives love police. I’m not saying this is bad, per se, I’m just saying there is not a target on your back like this.
Hardcore was the first Rock Music that sexuality did not drive — for many, it was a relief, like, “Look I’m not getting laid anyway, so why should I listen to music that says I’m gonna.”
-Steven Blush
Well, I guess they have one thing in common…
My point is, apart from being uncool virgins,2 you’re not punk. You love authority too much. Hate’s been in punk for forever. Hate’s been in every group for forever. But you guys love authority. That’s not punk.
That’s emblematic of a broader thing we do as a society where there’s this false dichotomy of things. You’re either this or that. If you aren’t mainstream, you’re punk. All the more so if you get a lot of people pissed off.
But you know who else was outside of the mainstream and also assholes during the 1980s? The Klan. Nazis. Jerry Falwell.
Get over yourselves, assholes.
Doomsday Potato Clock
Thanks to the beauty of MACtion, the MAC Doomsday Potato Clock is on the other side of the International Date Line this week. Unsurprisingly, we’re seeing a lot more parity in the MAC than in the Mountain West.
ABD favorite is fighting the good fight, keeping its hopes alive in the Potato Bowl hunt. I don’t think they survive this weekend’s matchup with Washington State. Godspeed, Lobos.
Right now in the MAC, the only two teams that aren’t bowl eligible are Eastern Michigan and Western Michigan. Both Eastern and Western are favored in their matchups next week with Buffalo and Central Michigan, respectively, but consider this real quick. The last week of the season, Eastern plays Western. What if both teams are upset this week and they have a do-or-die grudge match for bowl eligibility?
Talk about drama and excitement. I mean, from a young men getting rewarded with a bowl game after a hard-fought season angle, it’d be better if both Eastern and Western clinched eligibility next week. But think of the narrative.
Over in the Mountain West, New Mexico is on its last life, and so is San Diego State, now that the Lobos knocked them off. Neither squad is in good shape with their remaining games, but if the Aztecs can make it past Hajj-Malik Williams and UNLV, their last two games should be pretty easy (Utah State and Air Force).
Fresno State, riding Mikey Keene’s meh numbers needs to beat either Colorado State or UCLA in its last two games to clinch bowl eligibility. The Bulldogs should be able to do it this weekend against Brayden Fowler-Nicolosi (himself trying to stave off elimination from Ultimate Brayden contention) and Colorado State.
Best Brayden
During Week 10, we have some controversy. In terms of raw production, Brayden Schager outperformed Brayden Fowler-Nicolosi. B.S. put up 244 yards, 3 touchdowns and one interception, but needed 53 throws to do it. Meanwhile, BFN dropped 157 yards, with no TDs or INTs, on 15 passes. BFN has the edge, QBR-wise, 52.6-48.8, but I’m leaning B.S. here. To keep it fair (and interesting), I’m giving this one to BFN with an asterisk.
BFN was off last week, so B.S. gets the easy W.
B.S. - 6
BFN - 5
BFN has three games left to B.S.’s two. Ultimate Brayden is coming down to the wire! Stay tuned.
If you really want to split hairs, this book is about the hardcore scene in America in the 1980s. Hardcore grew out of punk but was, more so at the time, very different from first wave punk. It was dominated by the suburbs (as opposed to the city), generally eschewed the 70s punk aesthetic, and in part, response to New Wave music. But this is the hardcore era, if you asked someone today to give examples of hardcore bands, they’d give you a list of bands with screaming singers and breakdowns that would be absent from a Millions of Dead Cops album. Plus Bad Religion, Descendents, and NOFX came out of this era. It’s fair to call this punk.
Would you like to know about a cool virgin?